dedicated to Nicolas:
I hope that you no longer have regrets and is cherishing every moment in life, and living it to the fullest (no more suicides).
And of course, never EVER, let love pass you by again.

You'll always have a place in my heart,
and I'll always thank you for all that you've given and taught me.

xoxo, Junie <3

so one of my friends and their girlfriend broke up yesterday,
all because of the Valentine's Hallmark holiday.

now my friend was always the one who made the effort in the relationship,
and really eventuallly you're going to get tired. been there, done that.

This friend of mine was also the same friend that introduced me to my first boyfriend,
and now they have the same ending as my ex and I;

the giver gets too tired to give, the getter doesn't plan on giving.

Now this really reminded me how things have ended,
and it reminds me how hurt I was knowing that the person
that I love had just allowed himself to make a decision he would regret for life.

Not necessarily he would regret breaking up with me,
but the fact that he didn't give the relationship his all...
I remember how almost 2 years ago I cried and begged him not to do this,
how I told him that no matter what I have to do I'll solve our problems some how,

and he still made that choice to simply get up and leave.

A few months after when I really thought about it,
those problems we're not 'our's, they were really his own personal problems.
I took his problems, and treated them as my own,
no matter how upset I was, I would feel like its the end of the world when he was upset,
even if its not my fault.

If you take a step back and think,
you'd realize that you spoiled them way too much...

But regardless of how things ended,
and whether this ex of mine regrets or not,
I still believe in love,
and I believe that I love my current boyfriend...

However, I really feel like I need to remind people to not call quits until its the end,
until you really don't love them anymore,
until there really is no way out anymore,
until there really is nothing to say anymore,
until you got everything sorted out,
until you've done everything you could possibly do..

Lies told enough times can become the truth.
If you have something you might regret,
you can still change it.
As long as you still love eachother, its NEVER too late.

so that one day..

you won't become a person who would go to sleep
knowing that theres someone you once knew,
who loved you dearly, and who you loved dearly,
somewhere out there, probably sleeping in a bed beside someone else,
without ever knowing if they are your one true love...

so last night one of my teachers were asking us about the 'thing we never get enough of...'

time.

now I can totally relate to this,
being enrolled in College and University at the same time..
and working 2 jobs...
and doing all my chores and running all my errands...
did i mention cooking for my boyfriend and his family?

good god.
it's been about 2 weeks now that life has launched it's full attack on me...

and I kind of want to.. just drop dead. well not literally.
I just need 40 hours a day, thats all =]

One of my main concerns with the realtionship with my boyfriend
is that I was scared that he wants to avoid the fact that he needs to go back to school soon.

The day that I left for my winter vacation back home,
the power went out in my apartment when everything was turned on
so he had to take my keys and turn everything back off after I left.
I think this really pressured him into the delimma of taking on responsibility again,
but he knew it was necessary since I had no one else who I could turn to.

In the end he took the keys,
took me to the airport,
and returned to my apartment to shut everything off.

A few days after,
we were talking and he told me that he wants to go back to school
and not waste time anymore.

Even though he just goes to college with me now for part time,
that is a start.
Now that we go to school together,
we're both out looking for jobs again,
and he sleeps over 2 or 3 nights a week (without us having to sneak around).

Now that I look back into everything I cried over, worried over in the past,
it really makes me think why I did all that.

Realistically many of these things I can not change myself.
If I just sat through it patiently and do everything I believe I should do,
then it'll all sort out on its own anyways.

I don't need to plan out where I want to be relationship wise in 5 years,
I don't need to figure out where I think he should be in 5 years,
I don't need to think so much.
Even if I just sit here and enjoy what we have now as much as we can,
and do what I think I should do,
we'll sort these things on our own, as our relationship grows.

Now all thats left is just focusing on supporting him,
and saving some money up maybe for a vacation in the future,
and at the same time helping him save up money.

Who knew he's trying to find a way to get a steady income so he could make a deal with his dad?
$500 a month and his dad will buy him a place to live...
and he wants me to move in with him... =]

All those things I cried over in the past 19 years...
don't matter anymore.